Parenting help is abundant in our world, but is it helpful?
Parenting is a big ball of different emotions and often a whole lot of confusion.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Good Parenting Help Says it is NOT Inherent
I am hear to say good parenting is not inherent, meaning we are not born with parenting skills. We are born with survival skills, and sometimes, we might even use those skills on the children in our lives.
Many of us inherit a “toolbox” of parenting strategies, but sometimes, that toolbox has some significant gaps. And it’s in those challenging moments with our children, those moments of frustration and conflict, that we often see those gaps most clearly.
Imagine a method that would help parents identify those gaps and learn specific methods, strategies, and tools to fill them? That is the purpose of the C.L.E.A.R. method, reinforcing and repairing your parenting toolbox so you can feel better about parenting.
Yell – Guilt – Gift Cycle
Let’s be honest, yelling isn’t fun. Punishing isn’t fun. Living in a constant state of stress and conflict isn’t fun for anyone. It’s a heavy burden. I call it the “yell-guilt-gift cycle.”
- You lose it, you yell, you feel incredibly guilty, you try to make amends with a gift or some other gesture, but without any real behavior change or support, the cycle repeats itself. Yell, guilt, gift… and back to yelling again.
It’s exhausting. It’s a drain. It’s a cycle that needs to be broken.
That’s why I coach my clients a different cycle, a more constructive and effective approach.
- Connection,
- Limits
- Empowerment
- Accountability
- Recovery
These five steps can be applied to everything from tiny, everyday conflicts, like deciding what to wear, to bigger challenges, like homework battles or sibling rivalry.
A Helpful Parenting Strategy
The C.L.E.A.R. method can even be used for everyday interactions, like potty training or bedtime routines.
This method was born out of a process of reflection. I began to observe not only how I interacted with children but also how others did.
I noticed a common pattern: we often jump in headfirst, leading with limits. We ask yes-or-no questions right off the bat, like “Did you get your homework done?” while they’re in the middle of something else. Or we tell them what to do, we nag, we remind, we lecture.
These habits, which I call “leading with limits,” often interrupt whatever our child is engaged in because we have a demand we want met.
Now, a child with an easy temperament might adjust to this approach. But a child with a more difficult temperament? That’s a different story. They’re likely to become defensive quickly, triggering their fight, flight, freeze response. Or they might simply give you a noncommittal answer, not a real answer at all.
What often follows after setting the limit, asking the question, or giving the demand is a quick jump to accountability.
We threaten, we punish, we bribe, we treat, or we give a consequence right away. The result? Children often don’t see their own role in the situation.
They perceive you as the “bad guy,” the meanie. They don’t recognize their own autonomy or agency in the process. This approach can easily fall into the four Rs of punishment:
- Revenge
- Resentment
- Rebellion
- Retreat.
None of these outcomes are conducive to positive parenting, or any parenting.
After observing this limit-accountability pattern, this power struggle and potential blow-up, I began to ask my clients about their hopes and goals for their children. What qualities did they hope their children would develop? What kind of people did they want them to become? The answers were remarkably consistent. Parents wanted their children to be:
- Happy
- Curious
- Compassionate
- Good listeners
- Feel safe asking for help
- Be patient
- Work ethic
- A good friends.
All wonderful traits and characteristics.
But then comes the crucial question: does leading with limits and jumping straight to accountability in those challenging moments actually create space for these characteristics to be built, nurtured, and fostered?
The honest answer is, not really. This approach becomes ineffective, and our parenting goals become misaligned with our actions. The good news is that your actions are something you can change. So, let’s look at how to change our actions to align with those goals.
The C.L.E.A.R. Method
I started to ask myself: What’s missing? What’s missing from this common parenting system?
I identified three key elements: Connection, Empowerment, and Recovery. In other words: personal understanding, decision-making, reflection, and reconnection. So, I added them to the system.
Instead of leading with limits and inviting a defensive reaction, I encourage parents to lead with connection. This helps us lead with understanding, allowing the child to feel seen, heard, and understood. After that connection is established, then we can redirect and set or affirm the limits. This way, everyone is on the same page; things are clear and concrete.
The next step is empowerment. This involves offering choices, followed by accountability – the follow-through.
And finally, we have recovery. This is where the repair work happens: reflection, rest, and reinforcement. All those crucial “R” words that allow for resolution and reconnection.
Each of these steps – Connection, Limit, Empowerment, Accountability, and Recovery – is like a bucket, and inside each bucket are various concrete strategies.
These strategies include emotional validation, bending down to the child’s level, reflective listening, asking curious questions, holding family meetings, setting and holding boundaries, creating child-led routines, establishing agreements, and using natural consequences.
These are tangible tools that you can learn and then practice. And it’s in the practice of these tools that you begin to break free from the yell-guilt-gift cycle and begin to practice the CLEAR method. This is how you start to feel clear and kind in your parenting.
