Parenting Styles 101

Being in the parenting world for more than 20 years, I have seen fad parenting come and go. Gentle, free-range, attachment, low demand, lawnmower, tiger…The list keeps growing.

I understand what they are trying to do, they are trying to improve the parents lives. Get your child to stop this, get your child to do that. Also many mean well, they were able to feel good about thier parenting so they want to teach others how to parent thier kids.

For example one of the parenting styles that showed up as I was starting my business was ‘gentle parenting,‘ and honestly, it feels like nails on a chalkboard to me. I’ve always struggled with this term, and I think it’s because I understand its origins. I often hear people say that gentle parenting is the same as authoritative parenting. But it’s not. There are elements that overlap, which I’ll dive into, but they are not the same thing.

The term “gentle parenting” was actually coined by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, a parenting author. She is a mother of four with a background in psychology and has worked in pharmaceutical research and development. Eventually, she had her own experience as a mother, which shaped her perspectives and philosophies.

She’s even made a few TikToks about it. What’s important to understand is that within each parenting style, there are philosophies that guide it. And within those philosophies, you’ll find methods, tactics, and strategies that support the approach.

I want to break this down and share my perspective, based on my experience exploring the parenting world for so long. It’s essential to make these distinctions because there’s a lot of nuance here. As we learn new methods and strategies, we need to stay clear about our own values and how we want to show up as parents.

What Parenting Style Are You Practicing?

In my work, I focus on helping parents feel confident and supported. I want the parents that I work with to be able to say, “I feel confident, supported, and successful,” and are able to clearly explain the methods and philosophies they are learning and practicing. They’re able to advocate for their approach and articulate what they’re doing.

On the other hand, parents who say, “I’m just winging it,” or “No one really knows what they’re doing,” often lack a solid foundation to lean on. While there may be moments of uncertainty, having clarity in methods and strategies allows parents to approach conflicts or challenges with purpose and confidence.

What Positive Parenting Zone Are You In?

Awareness, Learning, Practicing

I enjoy asking parents from my online communities, “What positive parenting zone are you in?” Positive parenting is a set of methods aligned with a philosophy that fits within a broader parenting style. Members shared their answers, and many said they were in the “learning zone.”

What I did next proves an important point. I went back to everyone who commented and asked, “What are you doing to support this zone?” Their responses showed that they could clearly articulate the methods, strategies, and tactics they were using to align with their philosophy and parenting style.

For example, a few shared they were in the learning zone. I asked them to share more, and they responded:

• Attending therapy for her child.
• Journaling to reflect on her emotions.
• Practicing self-care.
• Holding herself accountable for toxic behaviors.
• Setting a weekend routine because her triggers tend to increase during that time.

They didn’t say, “I’m just winging it.” They had specific actions and strategies to address thier challenges. This clarity gave them confidence and direction.

Others shared:

• Joining communities and asking questions.
• Doing shadow work.
• Journaling and investigating her blind spots.
• Working through parenting programs

These examples show that while there’s freedom in figuring things out as you go, there’s also confidence in being grounded in methods and philosophies that support your parenting style. Parents who take the time to reflect and learn can approach challenges with intention and a deeper sense of purpose.

Positive Parenting is meant to Support

Gentle parenting is often used as a catch-all term, but for me, this can feel limiting. Many times, parents come to me feeling unsupported and end up imitating what we see without truly understanding the deeper ideas behind it. That’s why it’s so valuable to get into spaces where we can explore and learn more. Awareness of this work is the first step.

As we take a look closer look at parenting styles, philosophies, and methods. The goal is to add nuance and clarity to what it means to raise respectful kids.

I’ve developed a program called Raising Respectful Kids that breaks this down into a three-part series:

1. How positive is your parenting?
2. What makes a positive family?
3. How can I be a positive parent?

This is all about bringing clarity and intention to the way we parent, so we can feel more confident in raising respectful, connected kids.

Parenting Style 101

Neglectful | Permissive | Authoritarian | Authoritative

The broadest concept in parenting is parenting styles. There are four main parenting styles, identified by psychologist Diana Baumrind. She studied parent-child relationships and noticed patterns in how parents tend to show up, which led to the creation of these styles.

Within each parenting style, there are philosophies that support it. Philosophies are the frameworks—the beliefs, thoughts, and reasons behind why someone chooses a particular approach.

Inside those philosophies are the methods, strategies, and tactics. These are the specific actions and tools parents use day-to-day.

Here’s where many parents get stuck: people often come to me and say, “Just give me the tips and tricks! Just tell me what to do!” I get it—when you’re overwhelmed or new to something, it’s natural to want quick answers.

But here’s why I hesitate to do that. If your philosophies don’t align with the methods I suggest, it probably won’t work. If your parenting style and the underlying philosophy aren’t in sync with the strategies you’re trying to use, you’ll feel frustrated, and the results won’t last.

This is why understanding parenting styles and philosophies is so important. It’s not just about what to do; it’s about understanding why you’re doing it and ensuring that it aligns with your values and approach.

The quick fixes will not work

I would bet my beloved plant collection that if something is not working for you and your family, something is out of alignment, but what does that mean?

When parenting, you have a parenting style that influences your parenting philosophies, and methods.

When parents come to me and say, “This isn’t working,” or “I tried that, but it didn’t help.” I can usually pinpoint the issue right away. It’s because the methods they’re trying to use don’t align with their parenting style or philosophies.

It’s like trying to build something on the wrong foundation—it’s just not going to hold up.

When we take a step back and look at the bigger picture, we can figure out what’s really going on. Once you understand your parenting style and philosophies and the methods you are using, we can make big gains in our family’s climate. It also helps you recognize and understand other people’s methods, philosophies, and styles.

It’s not about saying one approach is better than another. I do advocate for a particular style because it aligns with my own values, but the key is finding what works for you and your family.

Should We Judge Parenting Styles?

When we understand the styles, philosophies, and methods within each parenting style, it becomes easier to make sense of what’s happening around us—especially with other parents. Think about playgrounds, playgroups, schools, or classes. You might realize, “Oh, our philosophies are different,” and that awareness alone can bring clarity.

It also means you don’t have to waste energy arguing. If your parenting styles or philosophies don’t align, of course, you’ll disagree on methods. And honestly, I don’t like wasting my time debating methods with someone whose perspective I’ll never be able to change.

I encourage you to extend that same mindset to yourself. Save your energy for what truly matters—focusing on what works for you and your family.

 

Parenting Styles Basics

A parenting style refers to the strategies and methods a parent uses in raising their child. It includes how you discipline, the word discipline has an interesting history you can read that here, we will be using the definition as a verb: to train or develop by instruction and exercise especially in self-control.

Your parenting style is shaped by many factors:

• Your own childhood experiences
• Your culture
• The society you live in
• Your beliefs
• Your level of awareness and education

These influences determine the tools in your parenting “toolbox” and how you use them.

Parenting methods and philosophies are often passed down from generation to generation. It’s important to slow down and reflect on the tools and approaches you inherited. By doing this, you can better understand why you parent the way you do.

Who is Diana Baumrind?

Diana Baumrind, a psychologist, was able to catagorized parenting styles. She studied how parents interact with their children and introduced the term “parenting style.” Baumrind focused on two main aspects:

• Sensitivity: How attuned, compassionate, warm, and caring you are to your child’s needs.
• Demandingness: How strict or demanding you are as a parent.

She looked at these two factors to create a framework for understanding parenting styles.

The red line on the screen shows firmness—whether you’re less demanding or more demanding. The green line represents warmth—how compassionate and caring you are.

By looking at these two factors, you can see the different directions in which a parenting style can go.

What is a parenting philosophy?

A parenting philosophy is the framework behind your parenting style. It’s made up of your beliefs, thoughts, and the foundation of how you approach parenting.

🚨 First, I want to be clear: I believe that everyone’s intention is to raise a loving, caring, and supportive child. They all want to do their best because they love their children. One thing I always know for sure is that you love your child, and you are a good parent. I never question that. I don’t question anyone’s love for their child or their ability to be a good parent. Without a doubt, the answer is always yes.

What is a is a Method?

Parenting methods are the observable behaviors, strategies, and tactics that parents use, which are directly influenced by their chosen parenting philosophy.

Parenting Styles

Neglectful Parenting Style

In the lower left quadrant, we have the neglectful parenting style. These are parents who are not present, physically or emotionally.

Again, I don’t believe in “bad parents.” I believe in ineffective parenting strategies, and neglectful parents often need help and support.

The absence of neglectful parenting influences the parent’s methods and philosophies. But remember, if circumstances were different or if there were more support, the situation might change.

A parent who is neglectful isn’t necessarily a bad person. They may be struggling with other issues, like addiction, mental illness, or financial hardship. These challenges can make it hard for them to show up for their children in the way they want or need to.

I’m not going to focus too much on neglectful parenting because, well, they’re not present for it. But I encourage you to think about neglectful parents you’ve seen in media, books, or even in your own life. Instead of judging them, try offering more compassion. Understand that their behavior often comes from struggles they’re facing, not from a lack of love or care for their children.

• Defined by absence—parenting is marked by a lack of presence.
• No active engagement.
• There are no methods because the approach is simply not being there.

Authoritarian Parenting Style

The authoritarian parenting style is in the upper left quadrant. These parents are too firm.

They score low on sensitivity and compassion but high on demands. This means they set strict rules but don’t show much warmth or understanding.

This style is imbalanced. The high demands aren’t balanced with the emotional support and care the child needs.

Philosophies of Authoritarian Parents

• Low compassion, high demands.
• Rules, structure, and order.
• There is a strong desire for things to be done a certain way, as it feels safe to the parent.
• The goal is not to be mean or controlling but to create security through structure.
• Believes that order and compliance lead to safety and well-being.
• Values seeing children as happy, productive, and contributing members of society.
• Rooted in fear—a fear that without structure, children may not succeed in life.
• Their mottos are;
  • “Because I said so, that’s why.”
  • “Well, that’s just the way it is.”
  • “Because I’m the boss”
  • “It’s my house, my rules,”
  • “Life’s not fair“

Now we can start to see the outcome when we say behavior is communication. These observable behaviors, like what we hear them saying, actually reflect their philosophies. They are showing us their parenting style—how they express love and provide safety and security for their child. I don’t like to villainize authoritarian parents. I have compassion for those parents because I understand grasping for control.

Methods of Authoritative Parents

Authoritarian parents define their parenting by rules. They believe in strict order and control. They may say things like:

• “I’m the boss.”
• “Just wait until dad comes home.”
• “This is my house, my rules.”
• “I’m not their friend. I’m their parent.”

Phrases like those signal that the child doesn’t have to listen to them but must listen to someone else.

Their parenting methods are often traditional, militant, and rule-based. They may use:

• Corporal punishment (spanking)
• Timeouts
• Threats
• Bribes
• Taking away privileges

Historically, corporal punishment has been used across civilizations like Greece, Rome, Egypt, and Israel for discipline, which originally meant “to teach.” These methods rely on fear and control to maintain order, discouraging mistakes and independence.

Parents leaning into this style often find safety in control, especially in chaotic or unpredictable situations. They may believe that making an experience miserable will prevent a child from repeating the behavior. While this approach might seem practical, it does not align with supporting a well-developed, emotionally secure child.

Impacts of Authoritarian Parenting

The research is clear children with authoritarian parents often struggle with low self-esteem due to a lack of emotional validation. They feel abandoned in their emotions—reflecting the “I’ll give you something to cry about” mindset.

Since rules matter more than feelings, children learn that emotions don’t count. This leads to:

• High aggression and low emotional intelligence – They don’t know how to handle negative emotions and may resort to intimidation.
• Increased aggression – When force is modeled, children believe power gets results. They take what they want without consent.
• Dishonesty and lack of trust – Fear of punishment makes them hide the truth. If a child lies, it often means they’re protecting themselves.
• Shame around weakness – Being punished for mistakes teaches them to “suck it up.” They suppress emotions instead of expressing them.

Over time, these patterns follow them into school, friendships, and future relationships—because these are the only tools they were given.

Permissive Parenting Style

On the other side, we have the permissive parenting style. This is the counterbalance to the authoritarian style.

Parents in this category are too kind. They have low demands—boundaries, routines, and consistency are lacking. However, they are very compassionate and caring. They prioritize warmth and sensitivity but often at the expense of structure.

I like to compare an authoritarian parent to a brick wall—firm and rigid. A permissive parent, on the other hand, is like a river, overflowing with care and compassion but lacking the boundaries to guide it effectively.

Permissive Parenting Philosophies

• Defined by flexibility.
• Methods and strategies are grounded in the belief that the parent must bend to meet the child’s needs.
• Emphasizes accommodation, where the parent adapts to the child.
• Focused on creating a fun environment and keeping everyone happy.
• Prioritizes fulfilling the child’s desires and keeping them content.
• Loves seeing children happy, taken care of, and getting along.
• Opposite of helicopter parenting—believes children need space to express themselves.
• Encourages freedom and self-expression rather than control.
• They feel safe being the fun, loving, caring and excited parent
• Parenting motto:
  • “Kids will be kids. Just let them be.”
  • “Oh, it’s not that big of a deal.”
  • “They’re only kids once.”‘
  • “Boys will be boys.”
  • “Oh, they will grow out of it It’s just a phase”

What I’ve noticed is that if we were raised with an authoritarian style, we often gravitate toward a permissive style ourselves. On the flip side, if we were raised with a permissive parenting style, we might lean toward an authoritarian style. It’s about seeking balance. If our experience was one way, we counterbalance it by moving to the other.

When boundaries are pushed repeatedly, and we don’t have the philosophies and methods to maintain those boundaries, a permissive parent might feel the pressure. They want to be the fun, loving, caring parent, but eventually, they snap. They might say, “I’ve given you everything. Why can’t you just listen to me now?” This is a hallmark of permissive parenting.

If we feel like a doormat or like we’re being walked over, it’s time to pause and reflect. We should ask ourselves, “What do they see that I don’t? Do our philosophies align? Do they truly understand my parenting style?”

There’s no bad parenting style. The goal is simply to become aware of them so we can guide ourselves toward showing up in more empowered ways.

Methods of Permissive Parents

Permissive parenting methods often include phrases like:

• “Oh, they’re just kids.”
• “I want to be my child’s friend.”
• “My job is to keep them happy.”

This parenting style focuses on keeping children comfortable and avoiding conflict. Several well-known parenting approaches fall under this category, including:

Attachment Parenting

Developed by pediatrician William Sears and his wife, Martha Sears. Based on their experience as parents, not formal research. Built around the Seven Baby B’s: Bonding, Breastfeeding, Babywearing, Bedding close to the baby, Belief in the baby’s cry, Balance and boundaries, Beware of baby trainers

These methods work well for babies, but once they start moving and talking, they’re not enough.By around 18 months, kids start seeking autonomy. That’s when parenting needs to shift. If we stay stuck in the role of protector and caregiver without adjusting, we miss the cues to expand and guide them differently.

The name “attachment parenting” sounds similar to “attachment theory,” but they are different.

• • • • Attachment theory is a well-studied psychological framework.
      • Attachment parenting is a set of methods marketed as a parenting system.

Free-Range Parenting

Coined by Lenore Skenazy. Emphasizes giving children independence with minimal structure. Parents trust children to manage their own choices. Often lacks clear boundaries or limits.

Gentle Parenting

Popularized by Sarah Ockwell-Smith in The Gentle Parenting Book. Focuses on empathy and emotional connection. Often seen as a reaction against authoritarian methods, especially corporal punishment.

Crunchy Parenting

A parenting style that often overlaps with permissive parenting. Rejects traditional structures and routines. Emphasizes natural living and minimal external control.

When these methods are not fully understood or applied thoughtfully, they can lead to a lack of boundaries. Over time, the original ideas may get diluted, leading to confusion about what the parenting philosophy actually supports.

Impacts of Permissive Parenting Style

When parents avoid setting limits and focus only on keeping their child happy, it can lead to:

• Low achievement – Without appropriate expectations, children struggle with motivation and responsibility.
• High aggression and low emotional intelligence – When parents shield kids from discomfort, they don’t learn how to handle negative emotions.
• Over-reliance on others – If a child is always rescued, they expect someone else to fix their problems. When faced with challenges alone, they feel overwhelmed.
• Comfort-seeking behaviors – Since they haven’t practiced handling discomfort, they may turn to distractions or numbing behaviors to cope.
• Poor decision-making – Without limits, boundaries, or experiencing disappointment, they struggle with resilience and problem-solving.

When a child reacts strongly to small challenges, their behavior is communicating something deeper. Instead of fixing everything for them, caregivers can guide them in learning how to handle struggles on their own.

Authoritative Parenting Style

Don’t ask me why the names are so similar to each other, I would not have picked that. The authoritative parenting style is in the top right quadrant. These parents have found a balance between being caring and setting clear expectations.

When parents come to me, I often see a parenting teeter-totter. One parent is too firm, while the other is too kind. This dynamic can feel like good cop, bad cop—one parent plays the “bad guy,” and the other swoops in as the “fun” parent.

Children quickly pick up on this and start to exploit the system. They learn that if they ask one parent, they’ll get a “no,” but if they ask the other, they’ll get a “yes.” They may also adjust their behavior to get what they want—crying to get quick comfort from one parent or going to the other when they don’t like the answer.

This back-and-forth creates confusion and can lead to manipulative behavior. We’ll discuss the impacts of these dynamics later.

Authoritative Parenting Philosophies

Authoritative parenting philosophies are grounded in consistency and compassion. Parents with this style say, “I need to validate my child’s feelings.” That’s why connection is the first step. Connection helps them feel safe physically and emotionally, bringing them back to a calm state.

• Defined by the balance of kind and firm.
• Combines demanding with warmth, nurturing, and sensitivity.
• A Balance of rules and flexibility.
• The goal is to create a safe structure while allowing room for growth and flexibility.
• Believe children thrive with limits and choices.
• Feel empowered to empower their children.
• Motto: “It’s safe to make mistakes and ask for help.”
  • “That sucks. That was really hard. What would you like to do next time?”
  • “I can’t agree to that. I know you want to, but I’m not able to agree to that right now.”
  • “I know it’s really hard right now, but we’re leaving in 10 minutes. Do you remember what you need to get ready?”
  • “What do you think you learned from that?”
  • “What do you think you would do differently next time?”

Authoritative Parenting Methods

Methods like positive discipline, conscious discipline, and the Circle of Security are all grounded in neuroscience, child development, polyvagal theory, and attachment theory. These approaches emphasize rules, consistency, flexibility, and compassion—key elements of authoritative parenting.

The C.L.E.A.R. method is an authoritative parenting method.

Impacts of Authoritative Parenting Style

Children raised with authoritative parenting tend to:

• Have high self-esteem – They receive validation and positive role modeling.
• Show low aggression and high emotional intelligence – They learn how to handle negative emotions with healthy coping skills.
• Develop problem-solving skills – They see accountability modeled and learn to trust authority.
• Be honest and responsible – They don’t fear punishment, so they feel safe telling the truth.
• Thrive in life – They understand their personal power, build strong family bonds, and develop autonomy.

Be Kind Coaching Teaches the Authoritative Parenting Style

I advocate for the authoritative parenting style, which strikes a balance between being kind and firm. All of my methods, classes, and philosophies are built on this approach.

One of the biggest misconceptions I see is how these terms are used, especially on social media. Often, they’re misrepresented by people who don’t fully grasp their meaning. I’ve been there myself, standing in the hallway thinking, “That’s not right!”

Instead of just complaining, I decided to teach it. Now, you’ll have the tools to help others understand the true meaning behind these concepts.

Empowered when healing your wounds

I also teach the authoritative parenting style because this is how I reparented myself. I grew up in a authoritative family climate and had have had to de-program myself. I am always doing the work to balance my approaches to myself and allow others around me to do the same. I am an advocate for healing our own wounds. If we are not attuned to our own feelings because of the way we parented, we miss the opportunity to attune to our children’s needs and experiences.

I understand when a client comes to me with a more permissive style or who naturally gravitates toward permissiveness, routines, agreements, and boundaries may feel unsafe. They might want to be fun and say yes to everything. When faced with anger, frustration, or pushback, they may feel overwhelmed. They are safe to come to group coaching and talk about that and work through it to find a solution that meets their needs and their families.

On the other hand, an authoritarian parent will feel challenged by this pushback and may respond with anger. We work together to find balance. Allow kids to push and test boundaries while remaining firm, calm, and consistent. This helps children learn where the boundaries are, while adults regulate their own experiences.

I love working with parents because I understand the impact they have on the next generation.