I am going to start start with a bold parenting statement: perfection is a myth. It’s a fantasy that keeps us striving for something unattainable, often at the expense of our well-being.
In the parenting spaces that I hold, this myth can be especially harmful. It creates pressure, highlights our insecurities, and can even harm the wonderful work we are trying to cultivate inside the home, leaving everyone feeling exhausted and empty.
Perfectionism is designed to sell us solutions—to fix our perceived gaps. But the truth is, it often triggers stress and feelings of inadequacy, pulling us further from the relationships we want with our children.
Takeaways
- Ditch the “Perfect Parent” Fantasy: Stop chasing an ideal that doesn’t exist. Begin to understand how clinging to perfectionism actually harms your connection with your child and reveal practical ways to let go of those unrealistic expectations.
- Turn Mistakes into Stepping Stones: What if you could view mistakes as valuable learning opportunities instead of failures? Would shifting your perspective and create a family culture that embraces mistakes, foster resilience and growth in your child?
- Prioritize Connection Over Correction: Discover how to build a stronger bond with your child by leading with empathy and understanding, even when setting limits or offering guidance. This approach creates a safe space for your child to thrive.
- This post delves into a powerful resource that exposes the characteristics of perfectionism and how they can show up in your parenting. You’ll gain eye-opening insights into how dismantling perfectionism in your home can benefit your child and contribute to a more just world.
How Perfectionism Creates Distance Between Parents and Kids
The pressure to be the “perfect parent” doesn’t just impact you—it affects your relationship with your child. I have spoken with Dr. Kimberly Douglas about how societal systems create wedges between parents and their children. These wedges can take many forms:
- School grades and performance pressure
- Disciplinary notes and labels like “good” or “bad”
- Unrealistic expectations for how kids or parents should behave
These systems profit from parents feeling like they’re “not enough.” The result? Parents and kids feel disconnected, and the focus shifts away from the bond that matters most.
Shifting the Focus to Connection
What if we could remove those wedges and let go of the illusion of perfection? Instead of striving for unattainable ideals, we can prioritize building empathetic, connected relationships with our children.
By strengthening the parent-child bond:
- You model empathy and emotional regulation for your child.
- Your child learns tools they can use in their own relationships.
- You create a ripple effect, fostering resilience in your home and beyond.
This shift doesn’t mean you’re giving up on yourself or your child. It means valuing the messy, imperfect process of growth over the fantasy of “getting it right.”
Practical Ways to Break Free from Perfectionism
1. Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations
Ask yourself:
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Are you holding onto ideas of who you thought your child would be?
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Are you chasing the image of the parent you thought you’d become?
Releasing these expectations helps you stay present with your child as they are, not as you wish they’d be.
2. Value the Relationship Over the Outcome
Connection always trumps perfection. When you prioritize your relationship with your child over external measures like grades or behavior, you create a safe space for them to grow and thrive.
3. Celebrate Small Steps
Parenting is a journey, not a destination. Every small moment of connection, every time you choose empathy over frustration, is a win. Celebrate those steps, no matter how small they seem.
Why This Work Matters
By letting go of perfectionism, you’re not just raising happier, more confident children—you’re also contributing to a more compassionate society. When we empower our children’s voices, respect their boundaries, and offer choices, we break generational cycles of control and foster true resilience.
This work isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. Just by reading this, you’re taking a meaningful step toward positive change. Let’s continue this journey together and shift the focus from perfection to connection.
Exploring Perfectionism Through a Powerful Resource
To better understand perfectionism and its impact, I’d like to reference a resource curated by the Minnesota Historical Society, titled White Supremacy Culture. This document draws from Dismantling Racism: A Resource Book and provides invaluable insights into how perfectionism operates in systems and relationships.
While this resource is often used in organizational contexts, I invite you to consider it through the lens of your role as a family leader. Your family is its own unique system, and dismantling perfectionism within your home can profoundly impact how your children learn, grow, and relate to the world around them.
What is Perfectionism?
According to this resource, perfectionism has several defining traits, many of which we may unconsciously model or experience in our own lives. Let’s explore the key characteristics and how they might show up in your parenting journey.
1. Lack of Appreciation for Effort
Perfectionism often leads to little appreciation being expressed for the work others are doing, except for those who already receive the most recognition.
In a family setting, this could look like:
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- Focusing only on outcomes like grades or achievements rather than the effort and learning process.
- Comparing one child to another or to an idealized standard.
- Overlooking “messy action,” such as when a child attempts something new but doesn’t fully succeed.
Instead, we can shift our focus to celebrating progress, effort, and growth. For example, when your child brings home a B, can we recognize their hard work and discuss what they learned, rather than asking why it wasn’t an A?
2. Criticism Overshadows Growth
Another hallmark of perfectionism is an emphasis on what’s inadequate or could have been done better.
In practice, this might look like:
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- Pointing out flaws or mistakes without recognizing the attempt or improvement.
- Saying, “Yes, but…” when providing feedback, which can diminish the effort someone made.
What if, instead, we acknowledged the courage and commitment it takes to try? Mistakes are an essential part of learning, and when we value them, we foster resilience in our children.
3. Talking About, Not To
It’s also common in perfectionist environments to critique someone’s actions without addressing them directly. This can lead to gossip or comparisons, further reinforcing a culture of judgment.
In families, this might appear as:
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- Discussing one child’s behavior with another rather than speaking directly to the child involved.
- Making comments like, “Well, at least you’re not like your sibling,” which can inadvertently create tension and competition.
Instead, focus on open and honest communication that strengthens relationships rather than drives wedges.
4. Mistakes Are Seen as Personal Failures
One of the most damaging aspects of perfectionism is equating mistakes with personal inadequacy.
For parents, this might sound like:
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- “If I were a better parent, my child wouldn’t have done this.”
- “Why can’t I get this right?”
For children, it might be internalized as:
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- “I failed this test, so I must be a failure.”
Mistakes are not a reflection of someone’s worth—they’re opportunities for growth. When we model self-compassion in response to our own mistakes, we teach our children to embrace imperfection as part of life.
5. Avoiding Reflection
Another common trait of perfectionism is avoiding self-reflection or learning from mistakes. This can lead to defensiveness, blame-shifting, or even playing small to avoid failure altogether.
Instead, we can model accountability and curiosity by asking:
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- What can I learn from this mistake?
- How can I improve next time?
This shift not only helps us grow but also shows our children that mistakes are a natural and valuable part of life.
6. The Tendency to Focus on What’s Wrong
Another defining characteristic of perfectionism is a tendency to identify what’s wrong while struggling to acknowledge and appreciate what’s right.
In practice, this might look like:
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- Nitpicking at what didn’t go as planned instead of celebrating what went well.
- Saying, “Yes, but it still wasn’t exactly how I wanted it to be.”
This mindset keeps us stuck. By fixating on what isn’t perfect, we block ourselves from learning and growing. It prevents us from embracing discomfort, confusion, or even the frustration that comes with imperfection—all of which are essential parts of growth.
Even as I write and speak about perfectionism, I notice its voice in my own mind. Every stumble over a word or pause feels like a mistake, and that inner critic shows up. But awareness is key. By recognizing these tendencies, I can work through them and model self-compassion in real time.
Antidotes to Perfectionism
Thankfully, there are antidotes to perfectionism—practices that encourage self-compassion, growth, and connection. Here are some strategies for families:
Develop a Culture of Appreciation
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- Start with self-appreciation. Notice and celebrate your efforts, even when they don’t lead to perfection.
- Appreciate family members for who they are. Recognize their unique contributions without comparison.
One way to build this culture is through family meetings. Begin with compliments or acknowledgments, focusing on what you want to see more of rather than what you want to see less of.
Embrace Mistakes as Opportunities to Learn
Create an environment where mistakes are expected and welcomed as opportunities to grow. In positive parenting, we teach that mistakes are not moments for punishment but invitations to ask:
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- What can I learn from this?
- How can I grow from this experience?
When mistakes happen, take time to reflect as a family. What led to this moment? How can we approach it differently next time?
Recognize the Unexpected Positives of Mistakes
Mistakes can often lead to positive results. Think of times when:
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- Running late allowed you to avoid an unexpected traffic jam.
- Forgetting an appointment gave you time to reflect or innovate.
- A misstep led to questioning a habit or system that no longer serves you.
These moments of reflection and adjustment can become catalysts for personal growth and stronger family bonds.
By integrating these antidotes into our homes, we create spaces where mistakes are valued as stepping stones, not stumbling blocks. Let’s invite ourselves and our children to grow through imperfection, celebrating the messy, beautiful process of learning together.
“I knew how she was supposed to look and act and what our relationship would be like. But our reality was so opposite” – Gretchen
Raising Your Spirited Kid
Mary Sheedy Kurcinka Ed.D.
The Ripple Effect of Letting Go
When we begin to dismantle perfectionism within our families, we create space for self-acceptance, growth, and connection. By modeling compassion, reflection, and a focus on progress, we empower our children to approach life with confidence and resilience.
As Taylor Swift aptly puts it in her song “Anti-Hero”:
“I stare at the sun rather than look in the mirror.”
Let’s choose to look in the mirror—not to criticize, but to reflect, learn, and grow.
Positive Parenting: A Space for Growth Through Mistakes
In positive parenting, the focus is on creating positive outcomes for both the development of your child and your relationship with them. At the heart of this approach is the understanding that mistakes are not just inevitable—they’re essential.
As a group coaching member beautifully put it: “You put the wrong ingredients, and the meal is better.” This highlights the magic of embracing mistakes, leaving room for growth, creativity, and unexpected outcomes.
Separating the Person from the Mistake
One of the most powerful shifts in positive parenting is learning to separate a person’s identity from their mistakes. A mistake does not define a child—or a parent. By recognizing this, we create space for feedback and learning without shame.
When offering feedback, it’s vital to:
1.Acknowledge what went well before introducing criticism.
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- Lead with connection.
- Highlight successes or efforts before addressing areas of improvement.
2.Focus on specific suggestions for improvement.
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- Instead of vague criticism, provide clear, actionable guidance.
- For example: “You did a great job cleaning up your toys. Next time, let’s remember to put the books on the shelf too.”
Lead with Connection
In all situations, connection should come first. Whether you’re setting limits, offering guidance, or redirecting behavior, leading with connection ensures your child feels (Attachment Theory):
•Safe
•Seen
•Heard
•Understood
This connection builds trust and creates an environment where feedback and learning can flourish.
“Each of us shines in a different way, but this doesn’t make our light less bright.” – Albert Einstein
Embracing Diverse Perspectives
Positive parenting also invites us to be open to different points of view. By actively seeking and listening to others’ perspectives—whether from your child, partner, or community—you can begin to reconcile what aligns with your values and adjust accordingly. This openness helps you grow and deepen your understanding of your family’s unique needs.
Perfectionism in Parenting Spaces
Perfectionism runs rampant in parenting spaces, where the pressure to “get it right” can feel overwhelming. But positive parenting reminds us that growth, learning, and connection are built through imperfection. By embracing mistakes as opportunities, we foster a culture of understanding, resilience, and love in our homes.
Leaning Into the Process Over Perfection
When we prioritize perfection, we neglect the importance of valuing the process. In positive parenting, it’s crucial to embrace the process over the product. This theme is central in both coaching and parenting spaces—progress is made by taking messy actions, not by achieving flawless outcomes.
Embracing Messy Wins
In my coaching spaces, I often talk about messy wins—any movement forward, even if it’s imperfect. Taking messy actions in parenting means giving yourself permission to fail, stumble, and learn. It’s about deconstructing the idea of perfection and realizing that doing something wrong doesn’t make you—or your child—bad.
The Invitation to Learn
Making mistakes or taking imperfect actions invites us to ask:
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- How did this outcome land?
- What do we want to do differently next time?
Perfectionism holds us back from this reflection. When we value perfection, we resist growth because we’re afraid of making mistakes. This can be particularly difficult when we hold onto beliefs that our children or ourselves should be perfect in school, friendships, or other aspects of life.
Releasing Perfectionism: Embracing Our Own Process
When we prioritize perfectionism, we create resistance and frustration. We hold two conflicting beliefs: striving for perfection while simultaneously trying to learn and grow. These opposing ideas make it difficult to embrace the journey and process.
Letting go of perfectionism allows us to truly connect with our own stories and find our own path. This aligns beautifully with the concept of releasing the dream parent or child we once envisioned.
Shifting From Control to Connection
Letting go of perfectionism also means releasing the need to control every aspect of parenting. When we’re focused on doing things “the right way” or fearing that we’re doing it “wrong,” we shift away from being present with our children.
Instead of regulating, controlling, and enforcing, releasing these expectations allows us to be present, to be in the moment, and to connect with our children in a more authentic way. This shift leads us back to doing our part—finding our own process and embracing it.
If you want to release the dream
This work is all about learning to understand both yourself and your child. It’s a journey where you start to let go of the “perfect parent” fantasy—the idea that you should always show up in a certain way, saying the right things and doing everything perfectly. So often, we find ourselves doing the very things we promised we wouldn’t, or we get stuck in the belief that we should be perfect. But as we let go of that, we can reconnect with our own reality and embrace the truth: we, and our children, are imperfect, but that’s okay.
When we stop projecting those unrealistic expectations onto our kids, it helps us see them for who they really are—not as extensions of our dreams but as their own people with their own needs, experiences, and perspectives.
I invite you to reflect on your own expectations and really check in with how you’re relating to your child. Is it time to let go of the “dream child” fantasy and start valuing the relationship as it truly is? Your child needs you, and deep down, you need them too. By getting into spaces that support your growth—spaces where it’s safe to make mistakes and reflect on your actions—you’re creating the opportunity for true connection.
So, think about this: Have you ever felt like your parents were projecting their dreams of who you should be onto you? Or maybe you’re realizing that the child you’re raising isn’t what you expected, and that’s okay.
Then, consider what it means to see positive parenting as a form of social justice. It’s about collaboration, empowerment, and valuing the messy process—not just for yourself but for your child’s future in a world that needs these tools more than ever. When we talk about anti-racism and combating white supremacy, positive parenting helps your children build the empathy and awareness they need to contribute to the world in a meaningful way.
Finally, ask yourself: Is your relationship with your child worth the investment? Is it worth the discomfort, the anger, the confusion that comes with learning and growing as a parent? Because those moments, those mistakes, are lessons guiding you toward a deeper connection with your family.
