How to be present in Parenting without feeling overwhelmed seems impossible. In those quiet moments, maybe after bedtime or during an early morning coffee, you find yourself searching for answers. How can you ensure you’re doing your best? How can you build trust and safety with your child?
Let’s start with a framework I live by: P.A.R.T. This acronym is a powerful reminder of how you can play an active role in fostering connection, trust, and safety within your family.
Takeaways
- Practice presence: Be fully present in the moment, actively listening and engaging with your child.
- Attune to emotions: Validate your child’s feelings and respond with empathy and understanding.
- Respond mindfully: Choose words and actions that promote healthy communication and positive behavior.
- Trust the process: Believe in your ability to connect with your child and create a positive, lasting bond.
The Foundation of Positive Parenting
Positive Parenting isn’t about following a strict set of rules—it’s a philosophy. At its core, it’s about nurturing a strong, healthy parent-child relationship. This approach encourages you to pause, reflect, and start asking yourself critical questions about the parenting methods you’re using.
Are they helping you build trust? Do they foster safety and connection? Positive parenting invites you to examine your choices, not with judgment but with curiosity and growth in mind.
What Does a Safe and Secure Relationship Look Like?
Building a healthy parent-child bond starts with one fundamental question:
Does your child feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure in sharing their world with you?
Think about it. You and your child could live in the same house, go through the same routines, and yet see the world completely differently. A strong relationship allows space for those different perspectives to coexist. It’s about creating an environment where:
- Your child feels safe liking what they like and expressing what they dislike.
- They feel confident sharing their world with you, no matter how messy or complex.
- You, in turn, feel safe and secure exploring and sharing their world alongside them.
Positive Parenting is a two-way street. It’s not just about what you teach your child but also about the energy you bring to your relationship. When communication flows freely in both directions, trust grows.
The Role of Positive Parenting
Positive Parenting provides tools to help you nurture this trust. It’s about refining how you listen, communicate, and respond so that both you and your child feel understood.
This approach isn’t about creating a “perfect” relationship but about building one that evolves with care and intention. It’s about asking:
- Are we creating a space where we both feel heard?
- Do we allow room for curiosity and exploration?
- Are we co-creating a relationship that feels safe and fulfilling?
And that’s where the framework of P.A.R.T. created by Dr. Daniel Siegel comes in. It’s a guide to help you connect the dots between the “me” and the “you” in your family dynamic to create a collaborative “we.”
Connecting Two Worlds: How to Be Present
In the world of parenting research, there’s a powerful concept known as the Me-We Connection. It’s the idea of bridging two worlds—yours and your child’s—into one connected, harmonious relationship.
Think of it like building a chain: each link represents a unique part of your relationship, and when they’re connected, they form something strong and resilient.
That’s where the P.A.R.T. framework comes in. This acronym—Presence, Attunement, Resonance, and Trust—guides you through the essential elements of building a strong parent-child connection.
Each part plays a role in creating a relationship where both you and your child feel safe, understood, and deeply connected.
Let’s break it down.
Presence: The First Step in Doing Your P.A.R.T.
Being present with your child is more than just being physically there; it’s about opening yourself up to the moment, even when it feels messy or uncertain.
It’s a practice of receptiveness, not control—of witnessing what’s happening in front of you rather than trying to fix or regulate it.
What Does Being Present Mean?
Being present is about staying tuned in to your child’s experience as it unfolds, without judgment or the need to change it. This doesn’t mean agreeing with or adopting their experience as your own, nor does it mean forcing your perspective onto them. It’s about creating space for their feelings and behaviors to exist without immediately rushing to solve or suppress them.
Here’s a crucial distinction:
- Being present allows you to meet your child where they are.
- Trying to control the situation often stems from unconscious expectations, judgments, or a desire to avoid discomfort.
How Presence Shifts Parenting
In moments of chaos—like when your child throws a cup, screams “I hate you,” or scratches in frustration—it’s easy to slip into problem-solving mode.
You might ask yourself, Why are they doing this? How can I make it stop?
This mindset can turn into a “problem search party,” where the focus is on fixing behaviors rather than understanding them.
Presence, however, asks a different question:
What does my child need from me right now?
Your child’s behaviors are often their way of saying, “I need help,” even if they can’t articulate it in words. By staying present, you’re better equipped to:
- Recognize their dysregulation without taking it personally.
- Resist the urge to control or judge the situation.
- Offer calm and supportive energy to help them make sense of their experience.
The Opposite of Shame
When we try to control or dismiss our child’s feelings, we risk introducing shame. This can sound like:
“You’re overreacting.”
“Stop being so difficult.”
“Why can’t you just calm down?”
Shame creates disconnection, making your child feel as though they’re “too much” or “not enough.”
Presence, on the other hand, invites connection, belonging, and acceptance. It allows your child to feel safe in their struggles and confident in your support.
How to Stay Present in Tough Moments
It’s not easy to stay present when emotions run high. Your own capacity plays a big role. When your child’s dysregulation feels overwhelming, take a moment to check in with yourself:
- What is my capacity right now?
- What supports can I access?
Presence doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs—it’s about balancing your child’s needs with your ability to show up authentically.
By staying present, you create space for your child to feel understood, even when they can’t yet make sense of their own emotions. It’s a practice of patience, openness, and compassion that forms the foundation for connection.
Attunement: Focusing Attention to Build Connection
Attunement is the next essential step in the P.A.R.T. framework for fostering trust and safety in the parent-child relationship. While presence opens your mind to your child’s experience, attunement takes it a step further—it’s about focusing your energy and actions to truly connect with and support them.
What Is Attunement?
Attunement means tuning into your child’s emotional state and responding in ways that show you understand and care. It doesn’t require feeling the same way they do or taking on their emotions.
Instead, it’s about aligning your attention to meet their needs in the moment.
Picture this: Your child is upset and throws their toy across the room. Attunement isn’t about fixing the behavior right away or feeling their frustration as your own. It’s about acknowledging, “I see you’re struggling,” and then responding with actions that communicate empathy and understanding.
The Difference Between Presence and Attunement
While presence allows you to notice what’s happening, attunement requires action. Think of it like this:
- Presence is observing someone with a flat tire on the side of the road.
- Attunement is pulling over, asking if they need help, and offering support.
In parenting, this means shifting from simply recognizing your child’s emotional state to actively engaging with them in a way that validates and supports their experience.
Avoiding Misattunement
Misattunement occurs when a child’s efforts to communicate or express themselves aren’t met with understanding. It might look like:
- Ignoring their signals.
- Dismissing their feelings.
- Imposing your perspective onto their experience.
For example, if a child is upset because they’ve spilled their juice and you respond with,
“It’s not a big deal, stop crying,”
that’s misattunement.
Your intention might be to soothe them, but your response doesn’t acknowledge their distress or offer connection.
Misattunement often happens when we unintentionally search for sameness—trying to make our child feel or think like us. This might stem from the belief that empathy is easier when we see ourselves in someone else. But true attunement invites us to expand beyond this.
Expanding Empathy Beyond “Like Me”
It’s natural to feel empathetic toward people who share your experiences, values, or perspectives—the “like me” category. But children, especially in moments of dysregulation, often don’t act or think like us. They express themselves in ways that can feel confusing or challenging.
The key is to practice finding sameness in the “not like me” moments. For example:
- Instead of focusing on how their tantrum feels overwhelming to you, focus on their underlying need for support.
- Instead of interpreting their frustration as a personal attack, recognize it as a sign they’re struggling to regulate.
By broadening your perspective and seeking connection, you create space to align your energy with theirs without needing to agree or share their exact feelings.
Communicating Attunement
Attunement happens through both verbal and nonverbal cues. You can use your:
- Voice: Speak calmly and reassuringly.
- Body language: Get down to their level, maintain a relaxed posture.
- Touch: Offer a gentle hug or hold their hand (if they’re receptive).
- Actions: Adjust your focus to meet their needs—whether that’s listening quietly, helping them problem-solve, or simply being a calm presence.
When you attune to your child, you’re saying, “I see you. I hear you. I’m here for you.” This builds emotional synchrony, helping your child feel understood and secure.
Attunement in Action
Let’s say your child shouts, “I hate this!” during a frustrating moment. Instead of responding with, “Don’t talk like that,” you might attune by saying:
“It sounds like you’re really upset. I’m here to help. Can you tell me what’s going on?”
By focusing on their emotional state rather than the words or behaviors, you show that you’re tuned in and ready to support them.
Attunement is about meeting your child’s emotional needs where they are, not where you think they should be. It bridges the gap between presence and action, creating a foundation of trust and safety.
Resonance: Creating a Felt Connection
Resonance is the “R” in the P.A.R.T. framework and represents a deep level of connection where both individuals feel seen, heard, and understood. It’s about creating a state where your actions, words, and presence land with the other person in a meaningful way—helping them feel felt.
What Is Resonance?
Resonance is a state of being changed by another person’s energy, emotions, or needs. Think of a guitar: if you pluck one string, the other strings vibrate in response, even though they were untouched. This is resonance—a ripple effect where one action creates a change in another.
In parent-child relationships, resonance happens when:
- A child sends a signal (through words, actions, or emotions).
- The parent receives and acknowledges it.
- The parent responds in a way that matches the child’s needs, creating a harmonious feedback loop.
This exchange makes the child feel understood and supported, strengthening trust and connection.
Resonance in Action
To illustrate resonance, let’s revisit the earlier metaphor of a flat tire:
Imagine you see someone with a flat tire and pull over to help. The driver says, “It’s my front driver-side tire.” You nod, get to work, and accidentally change the back passenger-side tire instead.
The driver, understandably frustrated, says, “I appreciate the effort, but that’s not the tire I needed help with.” At this moment, you have two choices:
- Acknowledge the miscommunication and work together to address the correct tire.
- Defend your intention, saying, “I stopped to help! Why aren’t you grateful?”
True resonance requires shifting from intention (“I was trying to help”) to impact (“Did my actions actually help?”). The goal isn’t just to show up but to ensure that the other person feels supported in a way that meets their needs.
The Key to Resonance: Matching Impact to Intention
Resonance is where communication comes full circle. A child expresses a need, and the parent responds—not by projecting their perspective but by meeting the child where they are.
For example:
- Mis-resonance: A child says, “I’m scared of the dark,” and the parent responds, “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” While the intention may be to reassure, the impact dismisses the child’s feelings.
- Resonance: The parent says, “It’s scary when it’s so dark, isn’t it? Let’s turn on a nightlight so you feel safer.”
By validating the child’s experience and addressing their specific need, the parent creates a sense of safety and trust.
Why Resonance Matters
Resonance is what transforms a parent’s good intentions into meaningful connection. It’s not enough to show up and try to help—your actions must align with your child’s needs. This alignment creates a feedback loop of trust:
- The child sends a signal (behavior, emotion, or request).
- The parent receives and responds appropriately.
- The child feels supported, which strengthens their confidence in the parent.
This process fosters secure attachment and emotional safety.
Trust: The Outcome of Presence, Attunement, and Resonance
Trust is the ultimate goal when we engage in the process of being present, attuning, and resonating with others, especially with our children. Trust isn’t something that just appears overnight—it’s built through consistent efforts of showing up in a way that makes the other person feel seen, heard, and understood. It’s a process that evolves over time, and it requires patience, self-regulation, and a willingness to grow.
The Role of Trust in Relationships
Trust creates a foundation where both individuals feel safe and supported. When we trust someone, we feel open, calm, and responsive. Our emotional state is grounded, and we’re able to interact in a way that fosters connection.
Conversely, when trust is absent, we often enter into a stress response—fight, flight, freeze, or fawn—where we become defensive, reactive, and overwhelmed. This is where miscommunication and conflict often arise.
Neuroception: A Critical Element in Trust
According to polyvagal theory and Stephen Porges’ work, neuroception is the process by which our brain evaluates the safety of our environment. It helps us determine whether a situation feels physically and emotionally safe. This assessment of safety is crucial in determining whether we engage in trust or a stress response.
When neuroception signals:
- Safety, we feel calm, open, and able to trust.
- Danger, we become stressed, defensive, and less able to engage in trust.
For children, their sense of trust relies on their caregiver’s ability to interpret their needs accurately. If the caregiver attunes to the child’s emotions and responds in a resonant way, the child feels safe and can begin to trust that their needs will be understood.
The Importance of Doing Your Part
Trust is not just about good intentions—it’s about accurate interpretation and intentional action. When we are present and attuned, we signal to others that we understand their experience. When we respond in resonance, we demonstrate that we are capable of hearing their needs and acting in ways that help them feel supported.
Misattunement—where we try to help but miss the mark—can be frustrating, but it’s an opportunity for growth. The goal isn’t perfection but improvement. Acknowledging when we’ve “changed the wrong tire” and adjusting our actions to meet the true need fosters trust.
Working for the “Yes”
As parents, it can feel like we’re always working for the “yes”—the moment when our child feels heard and understood. This can be incredibly rewarding, but it’s important to recognize that misattunement and frustration are natural parts of the process.
When children say “No!” or resist, it’s not necessarily a rejection of you but a sign that something is misaligned in the communication. They’re not saying you’re wrong—they’re signaling that the help you’re offering doesn’t match their needs. This feedback is invaluable because it gives you the chance to adjust and try again.
As you work through these challenges, think of each misstep as an opportunity to learn and grow, not as a failure. The aim is not to be perfect but to improve. Even getting it right once—changing the right tire, offering the right support—can create a breakthrough in trust.
Building Trust Over Time
Trust is cultivated through consistency and repair. It’s about showing up again and again, even when mistakes happen. Over time, the more you attune to your child’s needs, the more you’ll start to see those moments of resonance increase. Eventually, the more you practice, the more natural it becomes to accurately interpret and respond to your child’s emotional signals.
However, there will still be moments when you miss the mark—when you misinterpret a need or make a mistake. When this happens, it’s important to come back and repair. Acknowledge the mistake, clarify the need, and work to fix it. This process strengthens trust because it shows your child that you’re invested in maintaining the relationship and supporting their needs, even after a misstep.
The Ongoing Process of Building Trust
Trust is built through a process of continual learning, adjustment, and repair. Over time, the frequency of misattunements decreases, and your ability to attune, resonate, and connect increases. When you get it right, celebrate it. When you miss, learn from it and move forward with the intention of getting better.
In the end, trust is the result of your ability to show up consistently—present, attuned, resonant, and responsive.
Would you like to explore further strategies for strengthening trust in parent-child relationships or other aspects of attunement and resonance? Check out what Be Kind Coaching can offer.
Embracing Imperfection: Letting Go of the “Dream” Parent and Child
The process of growing in any relationship, especially with our children, often requires releasing the lens of perfection. We live in a culture that celebrates achieving perfect results and “getting it right,” but parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about being present and genuine. This means letting go of the unrealistic standards of what you thought your child would be or what you thought you’d be as a parent.
It’s natural to have these dreams and expectations, but they can create a mental barrier, pushing us toward an all-or-nothing mindset. This mindset leaves no room for mistakes or adjustments, often leading to frustration when things don’t go as planned. Releasing these expectations allows you to show up for your child and for yourself without the pressure of being perfect.
Meeting Yourself Where You Are
One of the most important, yet difficult things to do is to meet yourself exactly where you are. This means accepting the current moment without judgment.
If you find yourself doing something you thought you would never do—or your child exhibiting behaviors you thought were unimaginable—it’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed; it means you’re experiencing life and learning from it.
When you embrace where you are right now, you can move forward with more clarity and compassion. By releasing the roles and expectations, you’re free to connect with what’s truly in front of you—both with your child and with yourself. This helps foster a deeper connection and greater understanding, which in turn makes it easier to stay present and attuned.
The Value of Mistakes and Repairing Them
No one is perfect. Parents will make mistakes. Children will have struggles. The key is how we handle those moments.
Do we have the ability to recognize when we’ve “changed the wrong tire,” and take the time to repair the situation? Mistakes are not just inevitable—they have purpose.
Mistakes create opportunities for growth. Repairing the mistake is a powerful act of learning and deepening trust. It shows your child that you’re not only human but also committed to making things right when things go awry. When you value the process of making mistakes and repairing them, you acknowledge that imperfection is part of the human experience—and that’s where true connection is built.
Reflection: How to be present?
As you reflect on your own parenting journey, here are a few questions to consider:
- How attuned do you feel in your relationship to yourself, your family, and your community?
- Are you in tune with your own needs and emotions as well as those of your loved ones?
- How well do you resonate with your child?
- Using the metaphor of “changing the correct tire,” how accurately do you respond to your child’s needs when having a difficult moment?
- Do you value making mistakes and repairing them afterward?
- Are you able to see mistakes as opportunities to grow, learn, and strengthen relationships?
- Are you valuing the process over the outcome?
- Do you embrace the learning journey, understanding that perfection isn’t the goal—connection, growth, and trust are?
The Process of Growth and Repair
The journey of parenting—and of personal growth—is filled with ups and downs, successes and mistakes. Embrace the imperfections, knowing they are not only part of the process but serve a valuable role in deepening understanding and fostering connection. The key is not to avoid mistakes, but to use them as stepping stones toward better attunement and resonance in your relationships.
